I'm Alive
by Alyce Gates
Summary: Just another version of what happens after the end of Season 4. A little angst, a little humor, a little romance and a happy ending. ;- Dean/Cas
1. Chapter 1

Title: I'm Alive 1/5

Author: Alyce Gates

Rating: T

Pairing: Dean/Cas

Spoilers: Everything through the end of Season 4 is fair game. I have heard a few spoilers for season 5, but none of them are included in this fic.

Summary: Just another version of what happens after the end of Season 4. A little angst, a little humor, a little romance and a happy ending. ;-)

Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, I just like to play with them.

Dedication: This is dedicated to Ashley and Nicola both of whom made this story possible. You two are awesome!

A/N: This is my first Supernatural fic, and my first slash fic, so please be gentle. Title is taken from the Kenny Chesney/Dave Matthews song by the same name.

I'm Alive- Chapter One

Dean Winchester sat cross-legged on the ground outside of the convent. It was late, probably somewhere around two or three o'clock in the morning. His tired green eyes scanned the horizon for some sign of disturbance. Some signal that the end of the world had begun. But other than the sound of insects and the occasional hoot of an owl, all was quiet and still. There was no sign that the devil had broken free of his prison and was now walking the Earth.

He had expected more of a production. The blinding white light had faded to reveal a very ordinary looking man. Though Dean had seen and even spoken to the guy, he couldn't really remember just what he had looked like. The term 'forgettable' kept going through his mind, but that was probably the result of some kind of fallen angel mojo that had been used on him.

No, Dean didn't remember much about 'The Prince of Light', but he did remember how he and Sam had behaved. They had both known who and what Lucifer was, but that didn't seem to stop them from fighting for his attention and approval like two school children wanting to impress their teacher.

Dean groaned and ran a hand down his face in embarrassment as he remembered.

Sam had bragged that he was the one who killed Lilith breaking the last seal and finally setting Lucifer free. Dean then argued that it was he who had come off the rack in Hell torturing that soul and breaking the first seal that had set everything in motion. Then the Winchester brothers had started giving him things. Anything they had on them: cash, credit cards, cell phones, the keys to Ruby's mustang… If Lucifer hadn't stopped them, they would have given him the clothes of their backs.

Sam and Dean were both crying unashamedly with loss as they watched him drive away from the convent. They sat on the ground watching as the car disappeared into the night. For an hour they spoke of what they had witnessed and comforted each other with the thought that no matter how many people or demons might surround Lucifer none had done as much for him as them.

It was about an hour later when Lucifer was well and truly gone from their presence that the 'spell' broke. Sam began to vomit. Dean yelled and cursed God for everything. Then thanked Him for the fact that his beloved Impala was safely at Bobby's. He was unable to hold back a shudder at the thought of that evil bastard driving his baby, because there was no doubt in Dean's mind that he would have willingly given her to him.

When Sam's stomach had been completely emptied, Dean helped him back into the convent. They made themselves as comfortable as possible on an old wooden pew and tried to sleep. Physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted, Sam dropped right off.

But every time Dean closed his eyes he saw Castiel.

"I'll hold him off. I'll hold them all off…"

Giving up on sleep, Dean went outside to get some air.

How had everything gone so horribly wrong? How would he stop Lucifer without Cas' help? Zachariah had told him that stopping Lucifer was his destiny, but how could he possibly do that if just being near the fallen angel made him act like a thirteen year old girl meeting Miley Cyrus?

Dean prayed then. Part of him hoping that when he opened his eyes Cas would be there all pleased that Dean was praying. But he knew better. God remained as silent as always. Though a few hours later as he watched the sunrise Dean could have sworn he sensed a presence with him.

&&&

The fifteen mile walk to the closest town took the better part of the next day. As they walked, Dean alternated between anger at God, the angels and Sam and worry about Castiel… and Sam.

Sam walked slumped over, hanging his head. He was the ultimate picture of defeat. After an hour of walking in silence, the younger Winchester confessed everything. Everything that he and Ruby had done, include draining that poor nurse. It seemed that for the first couple hours Sam couldn't seem to shut up. He babbled all of his sins and kept apologizing as if Dean was the one who could grant him absolution.

"Dude, I can't think about this right now. We have to check in with Bobby and find out what happened to Cas…" Dean stopped when he noticed the tears on Sam's face.

"I can't do this, Dean. I have to… I messed up bad this time. Worse than anything either of us or Dad has ever done. And it's not over. I still have this demon blood in me, and I crave more. I was horrible to you and I… You need to k-kill me, Dean…"

"No."

"B-but-" he broke off when Dean punched him in the face.

Sam fell to the ground a hand coming up to wipe at his now bleeding lip.

Dean's voice was rough but strong when he spoke. "Listen up, cause I'm only gonna say this once. I don't care what you've done, Sammy. Don't care that you screwed up, royally. You're my brother, and nothing you can do or say is gonna make me take you out. Not unless I'm going with you, you got that? So whatever happened… is happening… to you, you gotta get through it, you hear me? Cause I'm not ready to leave this world to the angels and demons, and I gotta have you with me. Understand?"

Sam nodded, tears streaming down his dirty cheeks. "I-I'm s-sorry…"

"And that's enough of that. You and I are good here. Got it?" Dean snapped, grabbing Sam's arm and pulling him roughly to his feet.

Sam nodded again and they resumed their walking.

Dean was still worried and angry, but he couldn't stop the corner of his mouth from lifting at seeing his little brother's back straighten, and his eyes look out in the distance instead of at the ground.

&&&

They reached the impossibly small town of Black Creek, Maryland, population 935 at about three o'clock that afternoon. They were still a block away when Dean caught a sickeningly familiar smell in the air.

"That better not be what I think it is," he groaned.

It was. The brothers walked slowly down Main Street in shock, taking in the carnage around them. The smell was emanating from corpses that littered the streets, sidewalks, shops, and cars all over the town. They found no one alive. Some bodies were bloodied and sporting bruises, but all of them had burnt out holes where their eyes should be.

"Demons," Sam whispered.

"And angels," Dean muttered staring down at large wing-shaped shadows that framed the corpse of young woman lying in the street.

Sam walked over to an empty bench and collapsed onto it. His legs were unable to support him any longer.

Dean joined him after a minute, and they both sighed with a weariness that belonged to much older men.

The unnaturally still silence made Dean so uncomfortable, that he found himself telling Sam everything that had happened to him since they had parted ways in that hotel suite two nights ago. He told his brother about how he'd gotten his ass handed to him by Bobby, and then how Zach and Cas had swept him away into the gilded cage, tempting him with everything from his favorite food and beer to a threesome with Ginger and Mary Anne.

He told Sam of the message he'd left on his cell phone, and became angry when he realized that his message had been changed to push his little brother over the edge.

"Damn, interfering angel assholes!"

"Could've been Ruby," Sam said in half-hearted defense, unable to get angry due to the immense relief he felt at learning that Dean had not actually said those horrible things to him.

Dean continued his story, telling Sam of his conversations with Castiel. He told him of how he didn't think Cas would be swayed, but in the end his angel had come through for him.

Dean's throat grew tight as he said, "Cas risked everything… his life, his Grace, his salvation… But I was too late. It was all for nothing…" he broke off with a cough and turned his head away.

Sam put a comforting hand on his brother's shoulder, the one Castiel had griped tight when the angel had raised him from perdition.

"Everybody was Kung-fu fighting, na na na na na na na na na, those cats were fast as lightening…"

The brother's shared an incredulous look, then followed the sound of the song to the pocket of a dead man slumped on another bench. A cell phone.

The first call Dean made was to Bobby. After the 'Where the hell have you been?' and

'What the hell happened?' were out of the way, the old hunter gave Dean the first good news he'd had all day.

"Ya know that prophet you told me about? Chuck? He's called me a couple'a times lookin' for you. Says he's got your angel and you need to come get him."

"What? Cas is alive?" Dean demanded, feeling a warm burst of hope in his chest. Maybe, it hadn't all been for nothing.

He got the number Chuck left from Bobby and promised to call back as soon as he knew something.

"Be careful, kid. Lucifer's out. Things will only go downhill from here."

The next call was to Chuck.

"Dean! Finally! You gotta get here man, I gotta go. Can't stay here…"

"Chuck! Is Cas… Is he okay?"

"No, I don't know. He's asleep, okay? But you gotta get him ought'a here before the angels come back. I don't know what's gonna happen…"

"What about the archangel?"

"He'sgoneit'sgoneeverythingisgoneandIdon'tknowwhatsgonnahappen…" The prophet rambled, his words all running together.

"Dude, calm down! Cas is alive and the arch angel is gone. Why are you so worried?" Dean demanded, feeling equal parts relief and fear.

"You're not listening, Dean! I don't know what is going to happen!"

Dean shook his head, failing to grasp the significance of that statement.

Sam, who had been able to hear the most of the conversation, grabbed the phone from his brother.

"Chuck! Do you mean the visions have stopped? You're not a prophet anymore?" He asked, and Dean's eyes widened with realization.

"If he's not a prophet, then he won't be protected by the archangel anymore," Sam told him, covering the speaker on the phone with his hand.

Dean took the phone back.

"We'll be there by noon tomorrow," Dean promised and hung up.

They made quick work looting the town, taking all of the cash, credit cards, and cell phones they could find. They then doused all of the stores, and corpses with salt and gasoline.

As they drove away in a green Jeep Cherokee, that had had the keys in the ignition, they could see the smoke and flames of the burning town in the rear view mirror.

They had been too late to save the town of Black Creek, but at least souls of its citizens would be free to rest in peace.

&&&

It was nearly midnight the next night before Dean finally pulled up in front of Chuck's house alone. They'd barely left Black Creek behind before Sam had started freaking out.

"You gotta lock me up Dean, fast. It was bad last time, but I know it's gonna be much worse this time."

Reluctantly he had driven straight to Bobby's and gotten his little brother situated in the panic room.

Dean hated leaving him behind, but as Bobby and even Sam himself had pointed out, there really wasn't anything he could do to help. They just had to wait it out.

As Dean walked up to the door he noticed that the station wagon in the driveway was packed with what looked like everything the writer owned.

Chuck opened the door before Dean could knock. The prophet leaned out from the door frame and searched the dark, empty streets to the right and left. Dean arched a brow at him.

Satisfied that they were alone, Chuck grabbed Dean by the collar and yanked him inside.

"Whoa, take it easy dude," Dean said, brushing the shorter man's hands away.

"You said noon! Its midnight! I almost… I was only gonna give you 'til sunrise."

He followed Chuck down a hall, pausing to take in the chaos that was the living room. It looked like a hurricane had gone through it.

Dean was led into a back room and there was Castiel, sleeping on a bed. He was still wearing the trench coat, suite and tie. His shoes had been removed though.

"He's all yours, have a nice life," the prophet said and turned on his heel to leave.

"What? Wait a second! What's wrong with him? What happened Chuck?"

Chuck sighed and turned back around. "When you blinked out, everything got bright and loud. And then suddenly it was all gone. And he was just lying on the floor, asleep like that. I don't know what happened, he hasn't woken up and I can't wake him. All I know is that I can't stay here any longer. You probably shouldn't hang around long either."

Dean peered closely at the figure on the bed.

"Angels don't sleep. That must be Jimmy," Dean said finally, feeling a rush of disappointment.

He placed a hand on the man's forehead. It was warm, but not feverish.

"Jimmy? You in there?" Dean called softly, tapping his cheek in an effort to rouse him.

The man let out a groan and his head turned toward Dean, but his eyes remained closed.

"Huh. I sloshed ice water on his face and didn't get so much as a flinch…" Chuck said, and then lowered his eyes when Dean shot him a glare.

The hunter picked up Jimmy's shoes and tossed one to Chuck.

"Help me get him to my car, then you can go," He said in voice that allowed no room for argument.

Jimmy's eyes flickered open and he mumbled something when they had him upright. Dean supported him on one side while Chuck got the other.

"What was that?" Dean asked, shaking him slightly.

He mumbled again.

"I think he said, 'Dean'," Chuck said.

"Yeah, it's Dean, Jimmy. You're gonna be okay," He promised and started to walk but the man started mumbling again. This time, the hunter understood.

"Jimmy's gone…"

"Jimmy's gone? Cas? Is that you-"

"Need to leave…now…" Castiel groaned, and Dean almost dropped him he was so relieved.

Whatever strength had been keeping Cas conscious left suddenly and he slumped and became dead weight.

It was awkward, and they nearly dropped him twice but eventually they got him into the passenger seat of the impala.

Chuck refused to say where he was headed, but promised to answer his cell if called.

Dean yawned as he watched the prophet drive away. There was no way he could make it all the way to Bobby's without getting some sleep first.

He drove for an hour with the windows down and Metallica blasting before pulling into a Sleep Inn. He left Castiel in the car while he checked in and was lucky enough to get a room on the bottom floor. Stairs were just not feasible at this time.

"Cas? C'mon I can't drag you in there on my own, you gotta help."

Cas, leaning heavily on Dean, was able to make it into the room without incident. The hunter barely got him to one of the beds before the angel fell unconscious again. By that point, Dean had just enough presence of mind to check in with Bobby before collapsing on the second bed, exhausted.

The dream started right away…

_He was back in his office or the office that could have been his had he not been a hunter. It was the place where he had first met Zachariah. The creepy angel in the middle-aged vessel was currently sitting behind the desk in the large leather chair, gesturing for Dean to sit in one of the smaller, less comfortable chairs across from him. The hunter ignored it._

"_What did you do to Cas?" Dean demanded, wasting no time. _

_Zachariah shrugged and leaned back in the chair, hands crossed in his lap. "Nothing. He chose to disobey. He did this to himself."_

_Dean clenched his teeth to keep from cussing. As angry as he was, he still had the sense to know that pissing the angel off was not going to get him the answers that he needed. _

"_Okay, you didn't do it, but something was done to him. What was it?" _

_Zachariah chuckled at the hunter's barely restrained anger. "You're funny, Dean. I must admit, I never expected you to be so entertaining," he teased. _

_Dean growled and the smile dropped off of the angel's face. _

"_Castiel has shown that he serves the whims of man over the orders of heaven. He directly influenced events in an attempt to contradict prophecy. Due to his betrayal our prophet has lost his fore-knowledge and has been forced into hiding. By all rights under heaven the archangel should have executed him!"_

_Dean had never seen the angel so ruffled. _

"_Why is Cas still alive then?" He asked, voice cracking slightly._

_Zachariah looked at the ground and took a breath to calm himself. He had his nonchalant, devil-may-care smirk in place when he looked back up. _

"_Castiel is alive because I stopped the archangel from killing him."_

_Dean nodded, his gaze wary. "Right. And why would you do that?"_

"_Because, despite everything, it is still your destiny to be heaven's champion. You are the one who is to defeat Lucifer. That prophecy has not, and will not be contradicted."_

"_I'm not gonna-"_

"_Wait," Zachariah interrupted, holding up a hand. "Before you speak, keep in mind that your cooperation is directly linked to Castiel's fate."_

"_What?" Dean demanded. He wasn't slow. He knew he was being blackmailed. Blackmailed by an angel of the Lord. What had the world come to?_

"_All I have to do is give the command and the archangel will come swooping down to finish what he started."_

"_What? What did the archangel do? Why is Cas sleeping and what happened to Jimmy?" Dean was sick of all the run around. He needed answers. _

"_I guess you could say that Castiel is losing something."_

_From under his shirt the angel pulled out a vial holding what looked like a very small amount of incandescent white fluid that was tied on a leather string around his neck. A slow small drip of liquid accumulated every minute._

"_Is that… Cas' grace? You took his grace?" Dean asked, hoarsely._

"_Castiel, like so many before him, has well and truly disobeyed. Why Dean, you might even say that he is falling for you!" Zachariah had a nice chuckle over his own joke. _

_Dean was unable to take his eyes off of the vial._

"_So he's… He's human?"_

"_Almost. He's got three, maybe four more hours before the transformation will be complete," the angel confirmed, tucking the vial back under his shirt._

"_Soon, he'll be human-like with no more abilities than that of a mortal man. Something he's never experienced before, I'm sure it will be quite entertaining to watch how he adjusts," the last part was said more to himself than Dean, who was in slight shock over this revelation. _

"_If nothing else, it should keep you occupied and out of our hair until you are needed. It's one of the only reasons I spared his life actually…" _

_Dean scrubbed a hand over his face, overcome with guilt for his part in Castiel's fall. He hadn't meant for this to happen. He just wanted to save Sam. And now an angel had fallen... for him. _

_Zachariah continued as if nothing was wrong. _

"_Castiel should sleep until his soul has adjusted to the size of his new form. Be glad he's unconscious; I hear the process is very painful. Most of the fallen choose to be reborn through a human mother rather than suffer the pain of joining fully with their vessel while having their grace extracted."_

"_And Jimmy?" Dean asked as he looked up and met the angel's gaze again. _

"_Jimmy Novak's soul was released by Castiel before the archangel attacked. But don't be too hard on him. Jimmy would have been driven mad by the pain of the transformation and Castiel would have been unable to shield him from it."_

_A look of what might have been regret quickly flashed across the angel's face, but it was gone so quickly Dean was sure he must have imagined it. _

"_Poor bastard," Dean whispered and Zachariah shook his head. _

"_Don't worry about Jimmy. He's resting in a much better place knowing that he has played his part in heaven's plan."_

_Dean tilted his head at that. _

"_Heaven's plan? Not God's?"_

_When Castiel first introduced himself to Dean, he had called himself an angel of the Lord. But none of the other angels the hunter had met had ever spoke of God. _

_Zachariah was quiet for a minute. He looked a bit taken aback by Dean's question. _

"_No Dean. It's been over two thousand years since God has spoken to anyone," the angel admitted, looking almost surprised at his confession. _

"_That you know of," Dean taunted, desperate to gain the upper hand.. _

_The smirk on the angel's face grew into a cold grin. _

"_All I have to do is say the command and your angel will be lost to you forever," _

_Zachariah warned again. _

_Dean was filled with anger, and had he been alone he probably would have put a fist through the wall. But the angel was waiting for a response and the hunter knew that, at the moment, the angel was holding all of the cards. _

"_What do I have to do?" He asked, sounding as defeated as he felt. _

"_When the time is right, you kill Lucifer. Until then, do as you wish. Lie low, detox little brother, and play with your new fallen friend… When you get bored with that you can go back to hunting demons, heaven knows there'll be plenty about. And when the time is right, we'll come for you and take you to Lucifer. And you will kill him. And the world will end. And you will move on to your great reward in heaven. That's it. Doesn't seem like much to ask." _

_Dean sank down into one of the chairs, unable to remain standing any longer. Zachariah ignored him, running his hands along the arms of his own chair, a covetous expression crossing his face. _

"_What happens if I tell you to take 'Heaven's Plan' and shove it up your ass?"_

_The angel glared at him but didn't seem surprised by the question._

"_You always have to push don't you?"_

_Dean shrugged._

"_Fine. Refuse and Castiel will die. And he won't be the last. We'll kill Sam, Bobby, any of your other hunter-friends the demons haven't gotten yet. And don't even think of killing yourself. We'd just bring you back."_

"_If the world ends, they'll die anyway," Dean pointed out._

"_Yeah, but it'll be quick. And things will be much nicer on the other side for all of you. If we kill them, well there's no guarantee that they'll end up in a better place. And Castiel definitely won't regardless…"_

"_And if I agree, you'll leave us alone? Me, Sam, Bobby, and Cas?"_

"_Until the time comes, I swear that no angel of heaven will come near you and yours," the angel said, holding up two fingers like a boy scout. _

_Dean didn't trust Zachariah, but he didn't see a lot of options. The top priority was to get Cas to Bobby's. Then get Sam well. After that, they'd come up with something, or die trying. _

"_Fine. I'll do it." _

_Zachariah smiled coldly._

"_I thought as much."_

_The angel reached two fingers across the desk and touched Dean's forehead. _

Dean gasped and opened his eyes back in the cheap motel room. He sat up in the bed and rubbed at his eyes sleepily. The red glow of the alarm clock reminded him that Cas only had a few hours left before he would be… changed.

As he watched, Castiel began to thrash and moan. So much for sleeping through it…

End Chapter


	2. Chapter 2

Title: I'm Alive 2/5

Author: Alyce Gates

Rating: T

Pairing: Dean/Cas

Spoilers: Everything through the end of Season 4 is fair game. I have heard a few spoilers for season 5, but none of them are included in this fic.

Summary:Just another version of what happens after the end of Season 4. A little angst, a little humor, a little romance and a happy ending. ;-)

Dedication: This is dedicated to Ashley and Nicola both of whom made this story possible. You two are awesome!

A/N: Thanks for the reviews!

Castiel was jolted into awareness by a red-hot searing pain. It was all he could do not to cry out as the fire seemed to flow through the veins of his vessel's body. He wanted to leave, but couldn't. His wings ached. They felt as if they were being pulled from his back. The body that housed him convulsed and shuddered. He squeezed his eyes shut, praying for the pain to end.

"Cas?"

Dean's voice was filled with worry as he spoke to the suffering angel. Castiel felt the hunter take his hand, and the burning and aching eased a little.

"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" Dean demanded, hastily removing the trench coat and searching for the source of his pain.

Castiel knew that there was something important he needed to ask Dean, but the pain was hindering his ability to think properly.

"I-I hurt," he rasped, "but I'm not w-wounded."

He was distracted by the helpless look on Dean's face for a minute, before he suddenly remembered what he wanted to ask.

"Dean. I can't… do anything. Why can't I leave?" He asked, and then groaned again as a blinding pain filled his head.

Dean was talking, but Castiel couldn't understand what the man was saying.

The room seemed to fade away and the angel began to realize what was happening. His entire angelic being, his very soul was being shoved into his vessel. A vessel that was missing its original host. What was the man's name again?

It didn't matter. Castiel, angel of the Lord, was too much for a human body to hold. When an angel took a vessel, it was like putting on a glove. Interaction with humans, while in a vessel, was like only being able to communicate with one hand. A vessel was not meant to hold an entire angelic being, but for some reason that Castiel could not remember, he was being forced fully into his vessel. And it hurt. Surely he was too big. Surely the body would burst into a million pieces and he would come spilling out.

But no, the skin did not break. Instead, bits of himself began to slip away. Memories of his brothers and sisters drifted into nothingness. The tongues of man, which all angels were gifted with knowing upon their creation, were being pulled from his mind. Conversations he had held with men during his first visit to Earth over two thousand years ago disintegrated so that no one would ever be aware of them again. His wings, pulled by some unseen force, painfully detached and were swallowed by darkness.

As much as it hurt to be parted from these precious things, Castiel knew the worse was yet to come.

And come it did.

It was a memory. One he valued above all others in his considerable existence. The first and only time he had ever descended into hell.

_He was flying as quickly as he could through the endless pit toward the soul that would start it all. If only he could get there in time. He had been ready to leave months earlier, but the command from his superiors had him wait until that day. He and his garrison flew the entire day before they felt it. The righteous man they had been dispatched to save failed. The man chose to torture others in exchange for respite. The first seal was broken. They were too late. _

_His brothers and sisters voiced their disgust and disapproval. Their speed slowed. Their words were almost blasphemous. But Castiel paid them no heed. His orders were unchanged and he continued to fly deeper and deeper into the devastation that was Hell._

_For ten years Castiel flew before he finally found the soul_

_Dean Winchester was barely more than a shell of the man he had been on Earth. The blood was thick on his hands, but a spark of brightness that shone in the very heart of his soul marked him as Castiel's charge. _

The righteous man, who begins it, is the only one who can finish it_._

_Castiel held that prophecy close to his heart as he reached for the soul. It slipped right out of his grasp. The angel turned to his garrison for assistance, but none had followed him this far. _

_So he prayed. And the answer came to him in a voice that he had never heard, but felt more familiar than any he could remember._

_Without hesitation, Castiel did as the voice commanded. He reached into himself and tore off a small piece of his own Grace. The loss was painful, and the angel had to take a minute to recover before continuing his mission. He reached out to the soul again. When the Grace touched him, Dean dropped the knife and looked at the angel for the first time. Castiel tightly wrapped his hand, his Grace around the man's upper arm. The angel's grip was steel, strengthened by Grace, and he knew that it would stay without slipping for until they were both safe from the turmoil of Hell…_

The vision dimmed in his mind, sliding away like the ones he had already lost. Panic set in and Castiel felt as if losing this one particularly memory would force him to lose himself completely.

"NO! Please, Father! Not that one! Take everything else, but leave me that one," he pleaded.

And suddenly, it stopped. The memory, made whole and complete once again, slipped easily into his much more limited mind. The relief was short-lived as bitter emptiness filled his soul. It was a deep and all-consuming loneliness. A word that he knew, but had never truly understood until that moment. From the moment of his creation he had been surrounded by the light and love of his brothers and sisters. But now, he couldn't feel them. He couldn't hear them. He couldn't even remember them.

Castiel reached a hand out blindly, needing to feel something. Anything to combat the excruciating isolation he was trapped in. His had gripped something warm, solid and pulsing with life. The pain faded. His eyes opened and he saw his hand was fitted into the mark that his angelic hand had left behind on Dean's shoulder.

"Cas? Are you okay?" The hunter asked as he leaned over him. Twin trails of his tears on his cheeks were glistening in the lamp light.

Castiel smiled and sank back into the mattress with a sigh.

"I have not been entirely forsaken," he said, struggling to keep his eyes open.

Dean didn't say anything, but he had an odd look on his face.

Castiel grinned so widely it hurt his face.

"My Father still hears and answers…He stopped the pain," the angel informed the hunter with a delighted laugh.

Dean chuckled, but it was dark and there was no real humor in it.

"Actually, the morphine injection I gave you stopped the pain," the hunter said, holding up a syringe, but the angel just shook his head.

"I can't seem to keep my vessel's eyes open," he said, tightening his grip on the hunter's shoulder.

"Sleep then, Cas. I'm not going anywhere," Dean promised putting a hand over Castiel's.

"Angels don't sleep," was the last thing Castiel said before he started snoring.

&&&

The next time Castiel woke the pain was back, but no where near as bad. His mouth felt thick and dry, and his entire body was heavy and tender. He let out a groan and suddenly Dean was there blinking at him sleepily.

"How're ya doing there, Cas? Need more morphine?" The hunter asked, watching him anxiously.

Castiel thought about it for a minute and then shook his head. Dean helped him to sit up in the bed and propped him up on a couple of pillows.

"Will you tell me what happened now?" Castiel asked slowly. His tongue felt thick and it made talking awkward.

Dean sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"What do you remember?" He asked, sitting on the other bed.

Castiel closed his eyes and thought.

"I remember sending you to stop Sam. Then everything went white and I felt… pain…"

He opened his eyes.

"Did you succeed? Were you able to stop Sam from releasing Lucifer?" Even as he asked, Castiel already knew the answer. While Dean seemed genuinely pleased that his angel had lived, there was an underlying sadness and disappointment that the man couldn't quite hide.

"No, I wasn't in time," Dean admitted looking at the floor.

Castiel felt a pain in his throat and he swallowed, hard. His chest heaved a few times as he struggled to catch his breath.

"Then it was all for nothing," he gasped out and choked on a sob.

Startled, he lifted a hand to touch the wetness on his face. Castiel was crying. He couldn't remember ever crying before.

"No, Cas, don't cry," Dean pleaded, getting up from his bed and climbing onto Castiel's to sit cross-legged in front of him.

Castiel was still looking in wonder at the tear drop on his finger when he felt Dean's hand on his chin. The hunter tilted his face up so they were looking each other in the eye.

"We did right thing. I've never been surer about anything in my life."

Castiel took in the determined expression on Dean's face. He looked down at his hands and balled them into fists.

"To what end? What happened to me? What happened to the soul that resided in this vessel? Why am I not dead?" He looked up at Dean as he asked the last question.

The hunter opened and shut his mouth a few times before sighing again. For the first time, Castiel noticed how tired Dean looked. He used to be able to sense it. But now…

"Did I…fall? I know that I disobeyed. I…I can fell my Grace draining away. I'm becoming human-like. The archangel should have killed me! Why didn't he?"

His throat was burning again, and he could feel more wetness… more tears slipping from his eyes. Everything was very blurry.

Dean reached forward and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Zach spared you for me. Apparently I still have some part to play, and they knew I wouldn't cooperate if they let you die."

Castiel glared, feeling indignant. So many emotions he had never experienced were suddenly pouring out of him. It terrified and angered him.

"You mean they are using me to control you."

Dean shrugged, remaining calm.

"That's one way to look at it."

"And how else would you 'look at it'? I can't be of any use to you like this …" he hiccupped and looked startled.

Dean smiled in amusement, but quickly sobered when he saw another tear roll down Castiel's cheek.

"I know things don't look great right now. There is a lot to be done, and I don't even know where to begin. But we're all alive, which means we have time. Sam, Bobby, you, and me. We'll figure something out. We can't just give up… we just… we just have to have faith," the hunter said, making face like he couldn't believe that those words had just come out of his mouth.

It was Castiel's turn to smile. Since the moment he had had his first conversation with Dean in that barn, he had been waiting for the hunter to find his faith. Perhaps this had been God's plan all along. Dean may not like to hear it, but Castiel knew that He worked in mysterious ways.

"You're right, Dean. It was worth it."

The hunter sat back and gave him a put-out look then stood up from the bed.

"Okay, now that the chick-flick moment is over, it's time to get some more sleep. You want anymore pain killer? We're lucky I had it with me. I could have sworn I left it at Bobby's…"

Castiel was hit by another wave of pain and blacked out.

&&&

When Castiel awoke for the third time the pain was completely gone

Upon deciding that there was a just purpose for his current predicament, he was resolved to be the best human possible. Unfortunately, he quickly learned that observing human life and living it were two very different things.

The transformation was over and he was fully within his human vessel. He felt like a new creation, and in a way he was. Even though he had inhabited this vessel for well over a year, Castiel had never actually operated it. Angels had no need to 'learn' how to use a vessel, the knowledge was gifted to them the same way languages were. For the first time in his existence, Castiel would need to learn, be taught, how to…Exist.

Castiel explained this Dean as best as he could, but it took observing the former angel failing in the simplest of tasks before the hunter began to understand.

The first challenge was balance. His body was as strong as his vessel's had been, but Castiel had never relied solely on its strength or control to get around. Sitting up in bed had seemed to take effort that he hadn't had to use before, so he overcompensated when he tried to stand up and ended up face down on the dingy motel room carpet.

Dean was unable to stop a snort of laughter, but quickly moved to help him stand up. The man kept a hand on his shoulder lending his strength to Castiel. It took a little while to determine how to keep himself balanced, but he surmised that it was just something that would get easier with time.

"So, does this mean you have to learn how to walk? Like a toddler?" Dean asked, amused despite himself.

Castiel frowned.

"No. My body is not that of a child and so is capable of doing everything my vessel could do…"

"Jimmy," Dean supplied with a frown.

"Jimmy?"

"Your vessel's name was Jimmy," the hunter's tone was tinged with suppressed anger.

Castiel's frown deepened as he tried to understand why his loss of the vessel's name would upset the hunter so much.

"I'm not trying to disrespect my, ves- er, Jimmy's memory, I just don't remember him."

"You don't remember him? You don't remember the man who gave up his family, his freedom, and his life so you could prance around down here and carry out God's orders?" Dean demanded, his grip tightening on Castiel's shoulder.

The former angel pushed away from him and fell back on the bed.

"You don't understand, Dean. They took it all… my abilities, my gifts, most of my memory. Jimmy was just one more thing taken from me to make room in this smaller mind," he explained, frustrated that Dean didn't seem to understand.

Castiel was relieved when Dean let out a breath and stopped glaring at him.

"I'm sorry, Cas. You aren't the one who deserves my anger. Here, let's try again," he said holding out a hand.

It was only a matter of minutes before Castiel was walking unaided. Dean clapped.

The sound startled the former angel, and he ended up falling again, though Dean caught him by the arm so that Cas ended up on his knees instead of his face.

"That's why God gave us knees," the hunter smirked.

Some things came to him naturally. Castiel could sense that Dean did not want to help him figure out the toilet, and so had insisted he try by himself first. He had observed humans using a toilet before, and found it easy enough.

"There is an… Unpleasant odor… Coming from my person," Castiel told him, wrinkling his nose.

"You stink because you need a shower," the hunter explained, leading him back into the bathroom.

Dean had Castiel take a bath and not a shower as even though his balance was getting better, slippery ceramic was probably not a wise place to test himself. After explaining what he should do and the purpose of soap and shampoo Dean left him to it.

The warm water felt good. The whole experience of actually feeling things was new and distracting. The shampoo had an interesting smell. The soap's scent was very light. Neither the soap nor the shampoo tasted very well and stung his eyes when it dripped down into them. Dean had to knock on the bathroom door three times to help Castiel focus on his current task.

"Hey, you awake in there?" He called.

Castiel tilted his head questioningly at the shut bathroom door.

"Of course. Sleeping is done in a bed, not a bathtub," he responded confused. Didn't Dean know that?

"Yeah, I meant hurry up in there. We need to get on the road."

After deciding that he was clean enough, Castiel carefully climbed out of the tub and pulled the stopper on the drain just as Dean had instructed. He was proud that he seemed to be getting the hang of things, though the concentration it took to accomplish them was tiring.

After drying off, he walked back out into the main room. Dean made an odd noise in his throat and threw a pair of shorts at him.

"Put those on," he ordered, eyes looking up fixedly.

Castiel did as he was told and looked up at the spot on the ceiling Dean was staring at.

"Is something there?" He asked.

Dean jumped slightly and took a step back.

"No, I just didn't want to look at…" he gestured to Castiel's shorts.

The former angel frowned and looked down at himself in confusion. Then it occurred to him what the problem was.

"Nudity makes you uncomfortable," he said, understanding.

Dean shrugged.

"It makes most people uncomfortable. In fact, you should always make sure you are wearing clothes when you leave your room. You can get in trouble for things like that," Dean said picking up a t-shirt.

Castiel nodded seriously.

"That's good to know. What else do I need to be careful about? I don't want to cause trouble," he said.

The hunter helped him pull the shirt over his head. It was too big.

"Um, I don't know, Cas. I'll let you know as I think of them. Here, hold on to my shoulder, and step into these," he said and knelt down holding out a pair of jeans.

Castiel did as requested, trying to pay attention to how Dean fastened them, but his fingers were moving to quickly. As soon as they were fastened, the waist of the jeans fell to his knees.

Dean laughed and Castiel pulled them back up.

"They're too big," he said.

"We'll find you some clothes of your own after we get to Bobby's," Dean promised, threading a belt through Castiel's jeans to keep them from falling again.

"Let's grab some breakfast and hit the road."

Wearing clothes that were too big did not help with balance and Castiel had to concentrate twice as hard when walking. The only bright sides to his ineptness were Dean's smiles and chuckles. Rather than feeling put out, he felt glad that he could distract his care taker from their current troubles.

They ended up in the drive-thru at McDonalds.

"Sorry we don't have time for real breakfast at a diner. Maybe we'll do some things like that when Sam's back to normal," Deans apologized.

Castiel's first meal was a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. It may have been a bit ambitious for his first time eating. At first he bit his tongue and cheek more often than was probably normal. Eating was apparently another thing that most humans could do without a second thought but required extra concentration from him to get right.

"It won't be so hard to eat when you aren't on a bumpy car ride," Dean said when he saw Castiel's disappointed expression.

It tasted very good, but he ended up choking when Dean had to break suddenly to miss hitting a turtle in the road.

He learned that coffee is hot and should not be consumed quickly. The liquid did help him to finish swallowing the biscuit but left him with a burnt tongue. After that, Castiel decided to just stick with bottled water.

After an hour of driving they were unpleasantly surprised to find that Castiel was inclined to motion sickness. Dean had to pull over twice before the fallen angel's stomach was completely emptied. After that, Castiel spent the rest of the trip lying in the back seat with his eyes closed. He decided to never eat again.

End Chapter 2

Chapter 3 should be posted tomorrow night.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: I'm Alive 3/5

Author: Alyce Gates

Rating: T

Pairing: Dean/Cas

Spoilers: Everything through the end of Season 4 is fair game. I have heard a few spoilers for season 5, but none of them are included in this fic.

Summary:Just another version of what happens after the end of Season 4. A little angst, a little humor, a little romance and a happy ending. ;-)

Dedication: This is dedicated to Ashley and Nicola both of whom made this story possible. You two are awesome!

A/N: Thanks again for all of the great reviews. Sorry this is a little late. I just finished the last chapter, so my plan is to post chapter 4 tomorrow and the final one on Thursday. Right before the main event!

I'm Alive 3/5

It was with great relief that Dean finally parked the Impala in front of Bobby's house.

"We're here, Cas," he said reaching a hand into the back seat to shake the sleeping man's shoulder.

Castiel came awake with a jerk and yelped as he tumbled onto the backseat floor board.

Dean sighed and got out of the car.

He opened Cas' door and helped him out. The former angel seemed relieved to be back on steady ground. Already his face seemed a little less green than it had for the duration of the trip. Dean felt slightly guilty that he had to push Castiel so hard, but his only thought had been to get to Sam.

"Hey Bobby," He called to the older hunter who was walking toward them with a determined expression on his face.

Dean took a step toward the house, not realizing that Castiel was holding onto his arm to stay upright.

Another yelp sounded and Dean shut his eyes, struggling to hold onto his patience.

At first, the clumsy angel routine had been amusing, endearing even. Now it was getting old. As an angel, Castiel had been the epitome of gracefulness and control. As a human, he had some real balance problems. He hadn't even been human for a full twenty-four hours yet, and already he was covered with bruises and cuts.

Dean turned and looked at his fallen angel lying face first in the dirt. He looked so pitiful that any irritation the hunter had, fled and was replaced by a painful guilt as he remembered that this was done to Cas because of him. The angel was just one more person to be hurt for being too close to Dean Winchester.

"Dude, you got to catch yourself with your hands when you fall like that," Dean chastised gently as he, yet again, pulled the man to his feet.

"I'll try to remember that," Cas said, wiping at his nose and gasping when his fingers came away bloody.

Bobby approached then, holding a towel in one hand and a flask in the other. The old hunter was studying Castiel with weary eyes.

Dean began to introduce them, but was interrupted when Bobby suddenly sloshed water out of the flask into the former angel's face.

Castiel wiped at his face, streaking the wet dirt and blood onto his cheeks and glared at them.

"I may be new to being human, but even I know that throwing water in someone's face is not a customary way of greeting."

Dean snorted. "It is for Bobby," he said, grinning but frowned when Bobby sloshed water into his face as well.

"Holy water to the face is the price for entry to my house. If you're not a demon it should be no problem," the older hunter explained with a shrug and handed Dean the towel.

"How's Sam?" Dean said, patting his face dry and then handing the towel to Cas.

Bobby sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Hasn't really started yet. He's just sittin' down there waiting. Won't come out, doesn't want to eat or talk," the old hunter had dark circles under his eyes.

"Jesus, Bobby when's the last time you got some sleep?"

"Coupl'a days," he answered with a shrug.

Dean frowned and looked at Cas who was staring blankly at the towel in his hand.

"Cas, wipe your face off," he said.

Both hunters watched as the former angel hesitantly patted at his face with the towel.

Dean sighed, again, and took the towel back.

"You should try and get some sleep, Bobby. I'll get Cas settled and check on Sam," he said, carefully wiping the dirt and blood from Castiel's face.

Before Bobby could answer, Castiel suddenly began gasp and doubled over.

"Cas? What's wrong?" Dean demanded, hauling Castiel back upright and looking him

over for the source of his distress.

His face was turning blue and he had a hand at his neck.

"Bobby! He's not breathing," Dean called, panicked.

The old hunter pushed Dean out of the way and quickly helped Castiel sit on the ground.

"It's okay, boy, just put your head between your knees and breathe," Bobby commanded, gently rubbing his back.

"What the hell, Bobby? What's wrong with him?" Dean demanded his heart racing.

Bobby looked up at him. "Go get some water, hurry," he ordered.

Dean raced to do as he was told. It seemed to take years to make it to the kitchen, open the refrigerator, and grab a water bottle. He ran back, panting and relieved to see that Cas seemed to be breathing alright again.

Bobby took the water bottle from him, opened it and gave it to Cas.

"Drink it slow," he instructed.

Castiel slowly sipped at the bottle, and Dean was surprised to see tears running down his face.

"Bobby, what-" Dean began, but cut off at Bobby's glare.

"Castiel, you okay now?" Bobby asked, gently. Castiel gave a little cough, and then nodded. "Good. Can you tell us what got ya spooked?" The older man pressed.

"Spooked?" Dean repeated.

Bobby gave him a stern look. "I know what a panic attack looks like, Dean."

"Oh…"

Castiel looked back and forth between the two of them but didn't say anything.

"Cas? What was it?" Dean asked.

Castiel blinked at him, "What was what?"

"What were you thinking 'bout before you stopped breathing?" Bobby clarified.

Castiel tilted his head as he thought.

"When you threw the holy water at me, I realized that I can be possessed now. The demons can use me to hurt Dean and… Then it got hard to breathe…" he coughed again

and drank some more water.

Bobby stood up and headed into the house without another word. Dean took a seat on the ground beside Cas and put an arm around the other man's shoulders.

"Cas, I won't let anything like that happen. I swear…" Dean promised, and wiped a tear from Cas' cheek.

More tears fell from the former angel's eyes and Dean pulled him into a tight hug. Castiel stiffened at first, then relaxed and buried his face in Dean's shirt.

Dean held the fallen angel close and blinked back his own tears. So much had happened in the last few days. He was exhausted, the devil had risen, and they had no plan. Sam was locked in the panic room, detoxing, and Castiel, his angel and most powerful ally, was barely a shadow of his former self.

He had just about lost the battle of holding back his own tears when Castiel mumbled something into his chest.

"Hmm?"

Cas leaned back and looked up at Dean with wide blue eyes. "I said, I've never had a hug before. I've seen humans hug each other… I never realized how good it feels."

The light from the setting sun gave everything a soft look, and as Dean stared into those large, deep blue eyes he had the strangest impulse to lean forward and give Cas what would probably be his first kiss.

Bobby cleared his throat and Dean jumped to his feet nearly losing his balance. Castiel stood up carefully and turned toward Bobby.

He handed Castiel a talisman that was tied onto a leather string. "Long as you're wearing that, no demon can take you over," he explained.

Castiel quickly slipped it over his head and nodded at Bobby. "Thank you."

He nodded back and the three of them finally went into the house. A sleep deprived Bobby bid them goodnight, and Dean started to explain to Castiel how the television worked.

"I know how to watch TV, Dean," Cas snapped, irritated.

Dean bit back a retort and just raised his hands in surrender. "Fine. I'm gonna check on Sammy," he said and headed down to the panic room.

Sam was sitting up on the bed staring at the wall in front of him.

"Hey Sammy, how ya feeling?" He asked, trying to smile.

Sam shot him an odd look. "How do I know you're real, and not just in my head?" His

brother asked, voice breaking slightly like he had spoken in a while.

Dean winced, feeling a new wave of guilt for leaving Sam for so long.

"I'm real, Sam," he said sitting down beside his brother. "I had to go get Cas from Chuck's, remember?"

Sam nodded slowly and blinked. "Yeah. Is he okay?"

Dean nodded. "Yeah, I think so. I mean, he's fallen, but he seems okay…"

Sam sighed and reached over to pat Dean on the shoulder. "It's not your fault."

Dean shook his head and looked away.

"Dean, it's not your fault. You gotta quit being so hard on yourself…" he trailed off with a shudder.

"Sammy?" Dean asked, worried.

"It's okay. I'm okay…" Sam said, putting a hand over his eyes.

"You don't look o-"

"I'm not! I'm not, okay!? It hurts… I want demon blood more than I've ever wanted anything, but I don't want to want it…"

Dean just watched his little brother, helplessly.

Sam took a deep breath and seemed to get a hold of himself. "Talk to me Dean. Tell me about Cas," Sam instructed.

Relieved at being able to do something, Dean quickly launched into a detailed account of

everything that had happened since he had left Sam at Bobby's the evening before.

"And then, he told me that he'd never been hugged before and I…" he trailed off with a blush.

Sam had been absorbed in his brother's story and was astonished at the blush. "You what?" he pressed.

Dean looked away and muttered, "I almost kissed him."

Sam's jaw dropped. "You almost kissed him? Dean, he's a…A fallen angel and a… A him!"

"Yes, I did realize that, thanks." Dean shook his head. "Besides, I didn't actually do it, just thought about it, that's all," Dean said, silently cursing himself.

He hadn't intended on telling anyone about that ever. But as he spoke Sammy had started looking at him like he used to when they were young, like Dean was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Dean had missed that so much over the past year that he'd quit thinking about what he was saying and just kept talking so Sam would keep looking at him like that.

Now Sam was laughing.

"It's not funny," Dean said indignantly.

"S-sorry," Sam gasped, not sounding sorry at all.

Dean cleared his throat. "Enough about me. How are you, really?"

Sam sobered and sighed. "Not great, and it's only gonna get worse..."

"It'll get better, soon," Dean said with a confidence he didn't really feel. Sam nodded, but Dean suspected that it was more to placate him than that he actually believed that. "And I'll be right here with you," Dean continued.

But Sam shook his head

"No Dean, it will be easier if you stay away during the worst parts. Really, I'll probably be so far gone it won't matter if you're here or not. Besides, don't you have a clumsy angel to make out with?" Sam said with a chuckle and ducked just in time miss Dean's fist.

They mock-wrestled for a minute like they used to when their biggest concern was figuring out how to exorcise some lower-class demon. It made them both long for those simpler times. Sam pulled back and put a hand over his eyes again.

"You should leave now, Dean," he warned, gritting his teeth.

"No, Sammy, you're not going through this alone," he insisted.

Sam gave him a fierce glare. "No, Dean. Going through this is bad enough, but this is my doing. I can handle it. What I can't handle is you having to watch. Seriously man, go take care of Cas. You can't help me right now," Sam pointed at the door.

Dean huffed, but had to admit that if their places were reversed he wouldn't want Sam suffering along with him. Besides, Sam was right. This withdrawal was his own problem,

Cas was Dean's.

"I'll check on you in a few hours."

"I wish you wouldn't."

Dean shook his head. "A few hours, and I'll be back," he promised and left Sam to suffer in silence.

&&&

Dean just couldn't seem to do anything right as far as the former angel was concerned.

After leaving Sam, Dean had spent a good two hours trying to convince Cas to eat some of Bobby's chili.

"You need to eat, Cas. You don't have your Grace to sustain you anymore…" He'd felt guilty for saying it, but he didn't know what else to do to get him to eat.

Dean had assured him that the reason he had gotten sick after breakfast was because they were in the car and he had been motion-sick.

Eventually, Castiel had hesitantly tried a bite of the chili, and found it surprisingly enjoyable. He'd then went on to eat three bowls full. Twenty minutes later, the former

angel was retching into a toilet.

Bobby had awakened and chewed Dean out for feeding Cas chili. "Chili? You gave a former angel with a weak stomach chili?"

"He liked it! Besides, you didn't have anything else," Dean weakly defended.

"I have soup, you idjit!"

When Cas's stomach had once again been completely emptied, Dean had helped him

clean up and settled him onto Bobby's couch.

"I'll start cleaning out the upstairs rooms tomorrow, seeing as how ya'll be hanging around for a while," Bobby said, and went back to bed flipping the light out as he left.

Dean sat in a chair and studied Castiel in the moon light. The man had an arm over his eyes, and was taking deep breaths through his nose, clearly still nauseated.

"Cas, you okay?"

Castiel actually glared at him. "Dean, please quit asking me that. I don't think that I'm going to vomit again if that's what you want to know," he said.

Dean winced. "I'm sorry Cas, I just didn't think…"

Castiel sat up on the couch and took another deep breath. "Stop apologizing. You are just trying to help me. I understand that. I know you would not purposely make me sick."

Dean nodded.

"I feel as though… _I _should apologize. I never imagined I would be so bad at being human," Castiel admitted looking at the floor.

"No, Cas. You aren't bad at it. Give yourself a break; it's only your first day after all,"

Dean said getting up and moving to sit next to him.

Castiel looked up at Dean curiously. "Do you truly believe I can do this?"

He smiled. "I know you can."

Castiel smiled back. "Then I will."

Dean patted him on the back and stood up.

"Dean?"

"Yeah, Cas?"

"Can I have another hug?" He asked, big blue eyes sparkling in the moonlight.

Dean sat back down and pulled the smaller man into his arms. Telling himself he was only doing what anyone would have done in this situation. And if his heart skipped a beat when Castiel's nose nuzzled his collarbone it was pure coincidence.

&&&

It started at 2am.

Dean couldn't sleep. He'd like to think that it was Castiel's snores that kept him awake, though he's slept through worse. More likely it was thoughts of the man himself.

Thoughts of a certain nature that Dean had never really had before. Not involving a man anyway.

Regardless of the reason, at 2am Dean left the slightly uncomfortable chair he'd been using as a bed and went down to the panic room to check on Sam. If he hadn't been so preoccupied with thoughts of Castiel, he might have realized sooner that something was 'off' with Sam.

He quickly unlocked the door without much thought and stepped into the room closing the door behind him. It wasn't locked though.

He made his way over to Sam, who was still sitting on the small bed against the far wall.

The younger brother was staring intently at Dean as he slowly crossed the room.

"Hey, Sammy. I know I said I wouldn't come down here again tonight, but I wanted…"

Sam interrupted with a quick shake of his head. "No, Dean. It's fine. Actually I'm glad you're here. I've been doing a lot of thinking and there's something I want to talk to you about."

Dean smiled, relived that his brother hadn't put up a fight. "Sure thing," he said, plopping down on the bed and turning to the side so they could sit face to face.

Sam took a breath. "I think we may not be doing the right thing here," he said, looking up at Dean cautiously.

The smile left Dean's face. "What do you mean?"

Sam looked away with small sigh. "It's just, I have all this power. And I know that it's evil and all, but what if I can use it to stop Lucifer?"

"Like you stopped Lilith? You do remember how that turned out, right?" Dean snapped, crossing his arms across his chest.

"Just hear me out…"

"No."

"But Dean-"

"I said no, Sam!" Dean growled and got to his feet.

Sam scowled up at him.

Dean began to pace, desperately trying to rein in his temper. "I can't believe you would even consider it, Sam! After everything that happened, you're willing to jump right back in. I thought you were better than this!"

"Then you don't know me as well as you think," Sam said in a voice that was deeper than Dean had ever heard him use.

The flash of pure black in his brother's eyes was the only warning Dean got before Sam raised his hand sent Dean flying through the air. He hit the wall with a loud bang and fell face first to the floor. He blinked and coughed a few times, trying to get his lungs working again.

He heard Sam say, "Get out of my way," and looked up to see Castiel standing between

Sam and the door to the panic room.

Sam raised his hand.

"No-" Dean gasped and starting coughing again.

Castiel flung out an arm and all three of them were surprised when some unseen force sent Sam flying through the air like Dean had moments earlier.

Sam's head hit the wall hard and he blacked out before he fell to the floor.

Dean struggled to his feet and went over to Sam.

He was unconscious, but still breathing.

With a relived sigh, Dean looked up at Castiel to see him staring at his own hand in amazement.

"Cas, you okay?" Dean asked limping over toward him.

The fallen angels lips lifted slightly in the closest thing to a real smile Dean had ever seen him make.

"Maybe I'm not as useless as I thought."

End Chapter 3


	4. Chapter 4

Title: I'm Alive 4/5

Author: Alyce Gates

Rating: T

Pairing: Dean/Cas

Spoilers: Everything through the end of Season 4 is fair game. I have heard a few spoilers for season 5, but none of them are included in this fic.

Summary: Just another version of what happens after the end of Season 4. A little angst, a little humor, a little romance and a happy ending. ;-)

Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, I just like to play with them.

Dedication: This is dedicated to Ashley and Nicola both of whom made this story possible. You two are awesome!

A/N: One more to go...

I'm Alive- Chapter Four

They had to tie Sam down to the bed to keep him from hurting himself. They also added extra wards and protections to the panic room itself. Even if the door somehow opened, Sam would be unable to leave.

After regaining consciousness early that morning, Sam had been contrite and sobbing apologizes. It took a couple of hours for the sobs to stop. He slept for a few hours and then woke up trying to convince them he was fine and ready to get out and fight some demons.

Castiel was surprised by how convincing Sam seemed. Bobby and Dean were unmoved. It took less than an hour for the threats to start. Curses, creative ways he would torture all three of them when he got free.

Then Sam turned his full attention on Bobby, taunting him about how he'd failed to save his wife. Bringing up painful memories and preying on Bobby's doubts and fears.

Castiel watched closely as Bobby clenched his jaw and his eyes bored into Sam's.

"Hey Bobby! I could use a beer," Dean said tugging on the older man's arm.

It took a long moment for Bobby to wrench his eyes away, but then he focused on Dean and nodded slowly. Sam laughed as Bobby made his way stiffly up the stairs. Then he turned his black eyes on Dean.

It seemed to go on forever. The taunts, the insinuations. How much of a failure Dean was.

How disappointed Sam was in him. How unworthy he was.

"I wish you were still in hell."

Dean's fists were clenched by his sides and behind the fury in his eyes, Castiel could see the despair. Dean actually believed what Sam was saying.

Without thought, Castiel reached for Dean. He pushed the man's sleeve up and fitted his hand into the mark his Grace had left. They were both suffused with warmth and

Sam's voice faded into the background. Dean looked at Castiel.

"If you were truly unworthy I would have been unable to pull you out, no matter who ordered it."

The truth of those words cut through the lies spewing from Sam's mouth. Dean rested his hand atop of Castiel's on his arm and gave it squeeze. He took a deep breath and turned back to his brother with a renewed purpose.

When Sam realized his taunts were no longer affecting Dean, he turned to Castiel.

"You're even more worthless than him. You are nothing more than a pawn. You were an incompetent angel and now you are miserable excuse for what barely passes as human.

Clumsy, foolish, useless…"

Castiel glared at Sam. Demons were so good at mixing the lies with truths, that it became hard to separate the two. Though Castiel had only been human for a couple of days, he had been facing off with demonic forces for millennia. This was nothing new to him.

"I wasn't so useless least night when left you unconscious," he retorted primly.

The wicked grin dropped off of Sam's face. His eyes switched back from black to brown and he turned his head to the side and started vomiting blood.

&&&

Castiel did his best to focus his attention on the book in front of him. It was the best source Bobby owned concerning the powers of angels. Much of it was fiction, but he was hoping to find something that might explain how he'd been able to access his old powers the night before. He'd been unable to repeat it though, not for lack of trying. He had spent hours concentrating as hard as could, but couldn't even move a bottle cap across Bobby's kitchen table.

He had been half afraid that when he picked up the book, he would be unable to read it.

Though it seemed that he had been left with the ability to read and speak English. But now Dean knew more Latin than him. It was almost insulting.

Reading English was easy. Comprehension, however, was a bit more difficult. As an angel, all he had to do was read and then he would know. The knowledge would stay with him no matter how much time passed.

Now, like with most things, reading involved an effort and energy he'd never needed before. He could read a whole page, but not remember what it said. This led to reading pages and even whole chapters over again. Sometimes what he was reading was so dull he couldn't stop himself from yawning. Once the yawning started, he would have to focus twice as hard to keep from nodding off.

Unfortunately the harder he tried to concentrate the more his vision blurred. He shifted uncomfortably and the chair he was sitting in let out a loud creak.

Bobby and Dean looked up at him as if he'd disturbed them. He gave them an apologetic shrug and looked back down at his book.

Castiel, Bobby, and Dean were sitting in a few worn chairs in the old hunter's living room. Bobby was currently flipping through a book on the properties of demon blood.

The book itself was worn and the binding had a strip of duct tape holding it together.

Clearly, it had been read before. Dean had given up all pretenses of trying to research and was intently cleaning his guns.

A muffled groan rose up through the floorboards… Sam was waking again.

Dean immediately set his gun aside and jumped to his feet.

"Dean, let me," Bobby instructed, getting to his feet.

"No, Bobby I gotta do this," Dean protested, but didn't move.

"Dean-"

"I don't want to hear it! I can't just sit here and do nothing," he pleaded with Bobby to understand.

The older hunter sighed and shook his head. "Then don't. We're running low on supplies and you still need to get angel boy some clothes of his own," he pointed out.

Castiel looked down at the too-large borrowed clothes he was wearing.

"It would be nice to have clothing that fit properly," he said, hoping that Dean wouldn't insist on staying with Sam.

After reminding Dean of his promise, it was surprisingly easy to get him to agree.

The forty minute drive from Bobby's to the local Wal-mart was not as bad as Castiel had feared. Dean drove slower and put the windows down. After the first fifteen minutes he started to feel a little queasy, but then Dean had started asking him questions about what kind of clothes he wanted to buy. As Castiel thought about pants and shirts and different colors he was distracted from the sick feeling.

Dean grabbed a cart as they walked into the store and headed to the Men's department.

Castiel stood in the entrance taking it all end. The store seemed to have everything

"Cas?" Dean called, frowning at him from a few yards away.

Castiel shook his head and hurried to catch up.

Trying on clothes was an interesting experience. Dean had reluctantly gone into the dressing room with him to help as Castiel couldn't quite figure out how the belt worked.

He would have done fine on his own after that, but Dean stayed and helped him try on several pair of pants.

Even though the hunter was in the room with him, Dean was careful not to look too long at Castiel's bare chest. The former angel wasn't really sure why, but it bothered him.

"Dean?" he asked, standing there in nothing but a pair of boxer shorts.

"Hmm?" Dean asked, looking at the floor.

Castiel sighed and turned to look at himself critically in the mirror.

"Is this vessel's… I mean, is my body ugly?" He wondered, skimming his hands down his torso.

Dean looked up and met his eyes in the mirror. "No! Uh, I mean… I don't… What?"

Castiel tilted his head to the side in confusion.

Dean's cheeks were tinged with pink as his eyes flickered from Castiel's face, down his body, and back again.

The hunter cleared his throat and met Cas's eyes in the mirror again. "You look fine, Cas. Why would you ask that?"

Castiel looked back at his body in the mirror.

"You put effort in not looking at me when I'm not fully clothed. It makes me wonder if there is something repulsive about me. I know you are uncomfortable with male nudity, but you didn't seem to have a problem when you were cleaning Sam up last night."

Dean opened and shut his mouth a few times as if he wasn't sure what to say.

"Sam is my brother," he said, finally.

Castiel thought about that for a minute. "That makes things different? Because he is your brother his lack of clothing doesn't bother you?"

Dean huffed out an uncomfortable laugh. "No, it's… I don't know, Cas."

Castiel stared at him for a minute before speaking. "Or is because you are close? You know him so well, that you are not bothered by his nudity?"

Dean just shook his head, unsure of how to answer.

"We are close too, Dean. I pulled you out of hell. I disobeyed because you asked me to."

"You disobeyed because you believed it was the right thing to do," Dean corrected.

But Castiel shook his head. "No, I disobeyed because you believed it was the right thing to do, and I believed in you. I still do."

Dean stood and pulled Castiel into a hug. His hands felt warm on Castiel's back.

"Thanks Cas," he whispered and pulled away.

Castiel put his borrowed clothes back on and watched Dean's face closely as he helped with the belt.

Dean was trying to act indifferent, but Castiel could see that he was blushing and his eyes automatically looked up at the ceiling as his hands finished buckling the belt.

If it wasn't repulsion, what was it?

&&&

Castiel woke Dean up early on Sunday morning.

"I want to go to church."

The hunter simply grumbled and rolled over onto his other side.

"Please Dean. I need your help," Castiel implored, walking around to the other side of the bed.

"Get Bobby to take you," he grumbled.

Castiel sighed.

"He said he would take me, but I need you to help me get ready," he said, crawling onto the bed and fitting his hand into the mark on Dean's arm.

Dean tensed and his eyes popped open. He shuddered and pulled away.

"Why? You know how to dress yourself," Dean asked, sitting up in bed and rubbing his eyes.

"I need to shave. I was going to try, but I'm afraid I'll hurt myself. And I want to look my best," he explained.

It was a valid concern. He couldn't even heat up soup without burning himself, so he knew better than to try anything with a razor.

"Why are you so keen on going to church anyway? God kicked you out of heaven, remember? And you won't… I mean, Zachariah seemed to imply that you wouldn't be allowed back in."

The fact that Dean voiced this thought aloud attested to how sleepy he was. Castiel knew that Dean was very worried that the former angel would end up in hell when all was said and done, but refused to talk about it whenever it was brought up. Castiel had no such concern.

"Zachariah is not God, Dean. His will is not my Father's. If it were, I'd be dead. I'm not dead, so I must be doing the right thing," he said firmly. "Now get out of bed, I need your help," Castiel commanded, tugging on Dean's arm.

Dean began to pull back the covers but quickly covered back up and looked up at Castiel with wide guilty eyes.

"Um, I'll meet you in the bathroom," he said in a strange voice.

Castiel tilted his head in confusion. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah Cas. I'm fine. Go on, I'll be there in a minute."

Castiel shrugged and walked out of the room. "Don't go back to sleep," he called and went into the bathroom down the hall.

Five minutes passed before Dean finally came into the bathroom.

Castiel sat on the closed toilet while Dean shaved him. The former angel held himself as still as possible, but he wasn't worried. Dean had a steady hand.

"You have done this before," he murmured.

"Yeah, I've helped Sammy out a time or two," Dean said, smiling at the memory.

Dean worked in silence for a minute. "So you really want to go to church?"

Castiel almost nodded, but then realized that probably wouldn't be a good idea while

Dean had a razor on his neck.

"Yes."

"The closest church is non-denominational. Is that okay, or does it need to be Catholic or Baptist or something?" Dean asked

"God is in all places, the name of the place is insignificant."

"If that's true, why don't you just pray here?"

Castiel considered the question before answering.

"It's about effort. Humanity puts more effort into doing the things that are most important to them. If I make an effort to go to church and pray, I show my Father that he is important to me," he explained, watching Dean's face to see if he understood.

"And God needs to feel important, huh? That's why you go to church," the question held a little bitterness.

Castiel frowned.

"No, that's not it. Church isn't for God. Like I said, God is in all places. If you want to talk to him you just talk. It doesn't matter where. Church is for people. It's a place were they can gather and worship. It's a place where they can feel a connection to each other through their faith and therefore, to God."

Dean worked in silence for a moment.

"Cas, you really are something," he said with a smile.

"What?"

"You're always telling me how you believe in me, and how worthy I am. And I… I want you to know that I believe in you too. And I think it's really awesome that you still have so much faith after everything that's happened."

Having Dean focused so strongly on him was very interesting. It made Castiel feel warm all over and suddenly he didn't seem to want to look at Dean anymore. His eyes fell to the floor or lifted up to the ceiling as if trying to get away from the hunter's intense focus.

Feeling silly, he forced himself to look at Dean. His eyes took in the tight t-shirt stretched across the hunter's broad chest. He watched the way the tan, muscled arms tightened and relaxed with each stroke of the razor.

Castiel's face was suddenly very hot. Dean frowned and wiped the remaining shaving cream off of his face.

"Are you okay, Cas? Is it stinging?"

Castiel shook his head.

"Are you sure it isn't burning? I mean, your cheeks are really red," he continued, concerned.

"No, I am fine. Thank for your help Dean," he said, and stood up to leave.

"Wait, you need aftershave," he said, splashing some liquid from a bottle onto Castiel's face.

The former angel gritted his teeth. "It's stinging now."

"It supposed to now," Dean said with a grin.

Twenty minutes later Castiel was dressed in a new pair of black slacks, a buttoned down long sleeved blue shirt and black boots. After the shave, Dean had showed him how to use what he called, 'Sammy's princess hair gel'. His hair was not as neat as when he had his Grace, but at least it was out of his eyes now.

As he left his room, he was surprised to see Dean all cleaned up and waiting for him.

Castiel raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Like you said, Zach isn't God. I figure we can use all the help we can get," Dean said, sheepishly.

That was the first time Castiel smiled.

&&&

Castiel stood on Bobby's front porch glaring at a small rock that he had set on the rail. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, raised his hand and 'pushed' with his mind. Nothing happened.

Again.

He sighed unhappily and dropped his hand.

"I think it only works when you're scared or angry," Sam's voice was soft, almost a whisper, but he still managed to startle Castiel so badly that the former angel would have fallen off of the porch if Sam hadn't grabbed onto his arm.

"That's the way it worked for Anna," Sam continued, releasing his arm and pretending like he hadn't noticed Castiel's flinch at his touch.

It had been three days since Castiel had seen the younger Winchester brother. Three days since he had stopped Sam from leaving the panic room. Three days since he had been able to tap into some left-over angelic 'mojo', as Dean called it.

Sam turned and took a seat on the porch steps indicating that Castiel should join him.

The former angel reluctantly complied, sitting as far away as the step allowed. Despite his current case of humanity, Castiel was still able to sense the demon blood that flowed through the veins of the man next him. It wasn't as strong as before, but it was still enough to make him want to turn away.

One of the reasons Castiel had come outside was to avoid being in Sam's presence. Dean had told him that morning of the plan to release Sam today.

"Are you cured?" He asked, not looking at Sam.

He could feel the other man's eyes on him.

"I'm better. Not… perfect. I don't think I'll ever be free of it completely, thanks to Azazel."

Castiel felt awkward, sitting there with Sam. His entire body was tense, and breathing was becoming more difficult. He closed his eyes and forced himself to take a deep breath, like Bobby had told him too. He opened his eyes again and stared down at his clasped hands.

"Cas, I don't want you to be afraid of me. I'm not going to hurt you," Sam promised, frowning at him.

Castiel tensed up again.

"What makes you think that I am afraid of you?" He asked, forcing himself to look Sam in the eye.

"You've been hiding from me all day, you have to force yourself to look at me, and your hands are white, you're wringing them so hard," Sam ticked off each reason on his fingers.

Castiel frowned down at his hands and forced them to relax.

"I don't mean to be afraid of you, Sam. I don't think you would intentionally hurt me, but then I don't think you 'intentionally' freed Lucifer either…" he broke off when Sam winced.

Castiel sighed and shook his head. "Please don't tell Dean I said that. He is so worried that I'm going to say something that will upset you."

"I wonder why?" Sam muttered under his breath.

"Bobby says that I'm not very tactful," Castiel answered.

Sam smiled. "Has anyone explained sarcasm to you yet?"

At first Castiel was confused but then he understood. Sam had not expected an answer to the muttered question.

"Uriel used sarcasm quite a bit. I found it very off-putting," he said with a shrug.

Sam chuckled lightly and rubbed his face with hands. "I came out here to talk to you about Dean," he said.

Castiel had no trouble looking at Sam now. "What about Dean?"

The younger Winchester regarded him in silence for a moment. "He wants to know why you aren't talking to him."

Castiel blinked in surprise. "Then why doesn't he ask me?"

"Because he's Dean," Sam answered as if that explained everything. And it did, a little.

He felt himself relax slightly as he looked at Sam. Castiel and the younger Winchester did not have much in common, but they both cared about Dean. That was a start. It occurred to Castiel that Sam was trying to connect with him on Dean's behalf. Dean may have even sent Sam out here for that very reason. Castiel began to realize how much easier things would be for all of them if he could be comfortable in Sam's presence. If they could… Trust each other.

Even though the very thought made him repress a shudder, he decided that he would try.

For Dean's sake.

"When I knocked you out the other night, I thought that perhaps my powers had returned. For a moment I thought that I could actually be useful to you and Dean. But I haven't been able to make them work again. I feel useless," he confessed watching Sam out of the corner of his eye.

"I'm sorry I said that, by the way. I said a lot of things that I didn't mean when I was… you know."

Castiel nodded, having already forgiven Sam for that days ago.

"I get that you don't feel like you can contribute very much, but that still doesn't explain why you are avoiding Dean." Sam said.

Castiel gave a frustrated sigh.

"I don't know why I can't seem to be near Dean. It was easy to be around him at first. I needed him to help me, to teach me how to live. Every new thing I learned took so much effort and concentration that I didn't notice… Things that I do now."

"What things are you noticing now?" He asked, attempting to hide a smile and failing.

Castiel really wished that Sam would just drop this line of questioning. It's not that he wanted to keep anything thing from Sam, it was just that Castiel didn't even have everything figured out for himself as far as Dean was concerned. There was one thing he knew for certain though.

Castiel shrugged and started scratching at the chipped paint on the step.

"Little things, like how green his eyes are and how strong his arms are. I notice how he has this distinct smell that makes my skin feel tight and warm. Sometimes, when he smiles at me it gets hard to breath, like I'm having another panic attack. I just wish I understood why this is happening," he confessed.

Sam let out a low whistle. "Dude, you have it bad."

Castiel blinked and looked up at Sam. "What do I have? Is it a sickness?" he asked, anxious.

Sam's smile was reassuring. "No, though some people might think it is. You like Dean. You have a crush on him," Sam explained.

Castiel tilted his head to the side.

"Of course I like Dean. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here. I don't understand what you mean by 'crush'."

"It means you like him in a romantic way. You lust after him," Sam said.

Castiel felt his heart speed up. It was on the tip of his tongue to deny it, but the more he thought about it the more sense it made.

As an angel he recognized that humans constantly tried to deny their lust for each other. They tried to hide it. He never understood why, but now he could see that it was a natural reaction. He couldn't look at Dean without blushing, but then he clearly remembered that Dean had behaved similarly when it came to him. Did that mean that Dean had a 'crush' Castiel too?

For the second time, Castiel smiled.


	5. Chapter 5

Title: I'm Alive 5/5

Author: Alyce Gates

Rating: T

Pairing: Dean/Cas

Spoilers: Everything through the end of Season 4 is fair game. I have heard a few spoilers for season 5, but none of them are included in this fic.

Summary: Just another version of what happens after the end of Season 4. A little angst, a little humor, a little romance and a happy ending. ;-)

Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, I just like to play with them.

Dedication: This is dedicated to Ashley and Nicola both of whom made this story possible. You two are awesome!

I'm Alive 5/5

Dean lined up six empty beer cans on the fence behind Bobby's house and then turned and walked back to where Castiel was waiting.

"Is this really necessary?" The former angel asked with a pout.

"You need to be able to defend yourself, Cas." Dean insisted, selecting a gun from the duffle he'd brought with him.

"I doubt a gun would do much good against Lucifer," Castiel pointed out.

Dean rolled his eyes and tried not to let his irritation get the better of him. Part of him was just glad that Castiel was talking to him again. The former angel had been quiet and withdrawn since they had gone to church a few days ago. He always seemed to have some excuse to leave the room whenever Dean came in. Castiel had also stopped asking the hunter for hugs. Dean was surprised by just how much he missed them.

A little while ago Dean had found Cas and Sam talking on the front porch. Castiel had seemed lost in thought while Sam was trying, and failing, not to laugh at something. When Dean had asked what was so funny, Castiel had started to reply, but Sam had cut him off.

"Inside joke," his younger brother had teased, winking at Castiel.

It had been Sam that suggested the shooting lesson. Dean was surprised he hadn't thought of it himself.

"You don't need to worry about Lucifer, he's my problem. A gun may not kill all the things we'll face, but it may slow them down. Sometimes, that's all you need. Dad taught me that."

Castiel studied the collection of guns Dean had laid out on the duffle.

"As an angel, I have slain many demons with a sword."

The hunter laughed. "Cas, you don't even trust yourself with a razor! If I gave you a sword you could end up cutting your own head off!"

At first Castiel looked angry, but then he sighed and gave Dean a small smile. "You're probably right. Though I don't know that a gun would be much safer in my hands." He said.

Dean nodded. "Of course not. 'A gun in an untrained hand is worse than one in your enemy's hand'. Something else Dad used to say. That's why I'm training you. Just give it a chance, Cas. It won't be as bad as you think," He assured.

"Ok, I'll try," Castiel agreed.

Dean grinned at him and chose a gun. "Good. Now, this lovely girl is a Taurus Model 92 nine millimeter, standard with a ten round magazine." He explained, showing Cas how to load it and release the safety.

Dean showed Castiel how to put in ear plugs, and warned him that it would still be pretty loud. He fired three times, knocking off three cans. Castiel jumped each time he fired.

"Okay, Cas, now you try."

Castiel mimicked the way Dean had been standing and holding the gun. He took a breath and pulled the trigger.

Dean suppressed a laugh at the look of surprise on his face. Castiel had started out point the gun at the fence, but the force of the kick-back had him pointing the gun straight up.

"Good. Now you know what to expect." Dean then proceeded to show him how to stand, grip the gun and line up the target.

"Like this?" Castiel asked.

Dean stepped back and looked Castiel up and down from head to toe. The green, long sleeved t-shirt fit him snuggle, hinting at the lean muscle underneath. And the jeans… Castiel in blue jeans was one of the hottest things he'd ever seen. Dean moved forward to stand behind the former angel, lightly pressing his chest against Castiel's back. He placed a hand over Castiel's on the gun and one hand on the smaller man's shoulder. Castiel trembled slightly, and Dean felt a rush of warmth swept through him, and there was a tightening below his belt.

"Breathe in," He whispered, inhaling Castiel's scent deeply to demonstrate, allowing his nose to touch the other man's neck.

"D-Dean," Castiel stammered, his entire body shaking.

Dean ran his hand down Castiel's arm, and removed the gun from his hands. He quickly flipped the safety on and placed the gun back on the ground.

"Dean, what-" Castiel broke off with a sharp gas as Dean suddenly spun him around.

Dean pulled the smaller man flush against him, staring, transfixed into wide, innocent eyes, more blue than the clear Montana sky.

"This-this hug feels different," Castiel whispered, a pink tongue darting out to lick his dry lips. Dean groaned slightly at the sight.

"This hug _is_ different," Dean told him, lowering his head and allowing their lips to touch.

Castiel stiffened and jerked his head back, eyes growing impossibly wider. Dean held on, refusing to drop Castiel's stunned gaze.

"I don't know…" Castiel trailed off, his eyes dropping to Dean's lips.

"Do you trust me, Cas?" Dean asked voice husky.

Castiel seemed to relax slightly at the question, and raised his eyes back to Dean's. "Of course I do," He said, smiling slightly as he tilted his head back to Dean for another kiss.

The hunter happily obliged the silent request and pressed his lips firmly against Castiel's. This time, Castiel raised his hands up to cup Dean's face and leaned into the kiss eagerly.

Dean ran the tip of his tongue along Castiel's lips.

"Open," He murmured, moaning with approval when Castiel obeyed.

It was so different from any kiss Dean had ever had before. The newness was refreshing. The last kiss he had was from a barmaid he'd known all of two hours before slipping into a back ally and taking her against a graffiti covered wall.

For him, up until this moment, kisses had always held a slight feeling of wrongness. It was a part of why he enjoyed them so much. He had always found the slight thrill that he was doing something bad and getting away with it to be exhilarating.

But kissing Castiel was nothing like that at all. There was absolutely nothing wrong about the way Castiel tasted, smelled, and felt. He tasted fresh, like the spring air after a thunderstorm. He smelled like freshly laundered clothes, and slightly like Sam's hair gel - like family.

Castiel dropped one hand to Dean's right arm, impatiently pushing up his sleeve and fitting his hand into his mark on the hunter's bicep. A reminder that though Dean was currently in a more dominant role, Castiel had claimed him first. His grip tightened.

Dean felt a rush that left him light headed, and feeling like he was floating. He felt like the only him holding him up was Castiel's hand on his arm. Dean pulled back with a gasp, startled to see that he and Cas were levitating almost three feet above the grass.

Castiel noticed at the same time Dean had, and soon they were both falling onto the ground. Dean groaned for an entirely different reason.

"And scene!" A sickeningly familiar voice called out with a snicker.

Dean was on his feet in an instant.

"What are you doing here?" He demanded angrily, trying to hide his fear. Surely it couldn't be time yet…

Zachariah held his hands up in am, 'I mean no harm' gesture, still smiling that oily smile. It made Dean want to punch him, angel or not.

"Calm down, boys. It's not show time yet," he assured them.

Dean tried not to let the angel see how relieved he was. Castiel remained silent, still on his knees from the fall and watching them with obvious terror in his eyes.

"If it's not time yet, why are you here? You promised no 'angel of Heaven' would bother us until it's time," Dean reminded, trying to gain the upper hand.

Zachariah shrugged. "I'm not here to bother you. Just to deliver a message," the angel said, looking around the car yard with distaste.

Dean, acutely aware of Castiel's fear, gritted his teeth against a smartass comment.

"I'm listening," he prompted.

Zachariah's gaze swept the yard again, and it occurred to Dean that the angel was looking for something. "Tell her that whatever she's planning, it won't work." He said finally.

Dean blinked. "What? Who?" he asked, confused.

Zachariah glared.

"Tell her that if she turns herself in, the Host will show her mercy. If we have to bring her in, and she can't hide forever, she will be destroyed."

"Anna escaped?" Castiel asked with a gasp.

"Like you didn't know," Zachariah said with a sniff, though he suddenly began to look slightly uncertain.

Dean grinned smugly. "Haven't seen her, but if I do I'll be sure to tell her how awesome she is for giving you the slip," he taunted.

The angel scowled. "I also came to tell you that the countdown has started. You have three days to prepare yourself, Dean. Better start saying your goodbyes. It's almost omelet time, and you can bet we will be cracking all of your eggs!" Zachariah laughed to himself, and turned a cruel gaze to Castiel.

"And one of your eggs will burn to ashes in the fire."

Castiel looked away.

"Three days, hero," the angel reminded Dean, and then disappeared in a whoosh of shadowed wings.

"Dick," the hunter muttered and then looked down at Castiel.

The former angel had silent tears rolling down his cheeks.

Dean reached down and pulled Castiel up into his arms, rubbing comforting circles on the smaller man's back.

Castiel sniffled and buried his face in the hunter's shirt. Dean swallowed; his throat was starting to burn as he held back his own tears.

"Shh, Cas it's gonna be okay. I promise. It doesn't matter what they do or where they send you. I'll walk into hell itself and pull you out, just like you pulled me out. I swear it," he whispered pressing a kiss to the smaller man's forehead.

Castiel pushed back with a huff. "Dean! I'm not going to hell!" he nearly shouted in exasperation.

Dean blinked.

"Of course you're not. I mean… You're not? Cause I'm pretty sure that's what Zach meant by that egg in the fire comment," he pointed out.

Castiel rolled his eyes. Dean had to hide a grin at the very human gesture.

"I told you, Dean. Zachariah is not God! Nor does he speak for Him. Hell is not for the faithful, and my faith has never been stronger," he insisted.

Dean just stared down at him, wanting to believe, but not daring to hope.

Castiel sighed and gave Dean a tired smile. "Angels do not know God's plan, but we know, I always knew, when I was following it. My being here with you right now is God's plan, Dean. I've never been more certain of anything."

Castiel stretched up and planted a sweet kiss on the hunter's lips. Dean pulled back shaking his head.

"Are you trying to tell me that God planned for us to be together? Like together, together? 'Cause from what I remember from the few Sunday school classes I had to attend when Pastor Jim was watching us, this is supposed to be a sin."

"Does it fell like a sin?" Castiel asked, tilting his head in question.

"No," Dean answered without hesitation and Castiel smiled.

"With every passing day, every new thing I learn or experience in this human existence I feel more and more like I have finally found where I belong. I'm no longer a warrior of God, but a true son of man. It's something I didn't even know that I wanted," Castiel held a hand up in front of his face, staring at it with a kind of awe.

Dean took the hand in his and placed a kiss on the palm.

"It's not a sin Dean. It's our destiny."

They shared another kiss.

"Then why were you crying?" Dean asked, suddenly remembering what started this surprisingly comfortable discussion.

Castiel blushed and looked down.

"It's silly. But when he mentioned Anna was free, I was afraid you might prefer to kiss her instead of me. It hurts to think about," he confessed.

"Oh," Dean said, surprised.

Castiel glanced up at him from underneath his lashes. "Would you? Prefer Anna to me?"

Dean pulled the former angel back into his arms and leaned in close enough for their noses to touch. "Anna who?"

&&&

It was nearly sunset by the time they made it back to the house. There had been no more shooting instruction, just sweet kisses, shy touches, and the joy of a new found love.

Dean was not at all surprised to see Anna watching them approach from Bobby's porch; he figured she would show up eventually. However, her appearance was a bit startling.

"Anna, trying out a new look?" He asked, reaching out to take Castiel's hand to reassure him.

Castiel gave his hand a squeeze and turned his gaze to his old superior.

Anna nodded toward them gravely. Her once pale, smooth face was now darker and lined.

Her dark red hair had turned mostly silver, shot through with stripes of pure white, and her dark blue eyes had changed into a translucent gold. She didn't 'look' like Anna anymore, but there was no mistaking that it was her.

"What happened?" Castiel asked her.

She just watched them quietly for a moment. When she finally spoke it was with a voice that was rough with age yet powerful and resonating.

"Dean Winchester. I once told you that only four angels had ever seen God's face. Now, there are five. It does not come without a price, but I now have the knowledge you need to stop Zachariah."

Dean was stunned. She had actually seen God?

"You saw Him?" Castiel demanded, gripping Dean's hand tighter.

Anna nodded.

"I fell once. I wanted to be human. I believed that being human meant being closer to

Him," she admitted.

"You were sure in for a rude awaking. Must have been disappointing to find out you were wrong," Dean commented

"I wasn't wrong, Dean. For me, it was God's will that I become human. But it was also His will that I not stay that way. I learned what I needed to learn. I appreciated it. And I grieved for my human life from the moment my Grace was renewed. I now know what it means to be human and what it means to be an angel. There are so few that can say that," she smiled at Castiel before continuing.

"And now that I have seen Him, I know that I am who I am supposed be. I am an Angel of the Lord, and I will continue as such until my time ends."

"Sorry," Dean mumbled, but she laughed.

"Don't be. I'm not." Her eyes turned to watch the setting sun and she repeated her earlier statement. "I have the knowledge you need to defeat Zachariah."

Dean sent Castiel a confused look, but the former angel just shrugged.

"I thought Lucifer was the one I was supposed to defeat."

Anna shook her head.

"The prophecy states that the one who begins it, is the only one who can stop it. But prophecies are tricky things, and are seldom to be taken at face value. Castiel, you were cast out of Heaven under the pretense that you had directly interfered with a prophet, but you see, Zachariah interfered first. He lost faith, and grew… bored. He gave the prophecy to the demon, Azazel. Dean that is why your father, and then you yourself were led to make those deals that sent you to hell."

Dean glared at her, feeling an old pain and resentment well up.

"So if it wasn't meant to happen, then why didn't God stop it, huh? Why did he leave me down there for so long! Why would he do that to me?"

Castiel put a comforting hand on his back, and Anna's gaze turned sympathetic. "God's first gift to the world was free will. It was your choices that led you to Hell, not His. And it was Castiel's choices that brought you back."

"I was ordered to pull him out of the pit," Castiel reminded her.

"So were all of the other angels in your garrison. And yet you were alone when the time came."

Dean was feeling a bit overwhelmed by this point. He'd had a long day, and his mind was still trying to wrap around the fact that Castiel was in love with him. All this 'God' talk was making his head hurt.

"Okay, look. This is all well and good, but you still haven't told me how to stop Zachariah," he complained.

Anna looked up suddenly, tilting her head as if listening to something. She nodded and with the sound of feathers in the wind she was suddenly standing right in front of Castiel.

With two fingers she touched his head, and the former angel gasped.

"What are you doing?" Dean demanded, pulling Castiel away from her.

"The knowledge is Castiel's now. He will explain, but I must go. Good luck, Dean."

&&&

"That's Bullshit Cas!" Dean yelled, and began pacing Bobby's living room.

Bobby and Sam were sitting on the couch watching as Castiel relayed the knowledge that Anna had given him.

Dean couldn't believe it. After everything they'd been through. It all fell to Sammy, again. His little brother, who he had gone to Hell for. Sam, who had been doing so well to break his addiction to the demonic blood.

Castiel had told them about a spell. One so old, it predated the written word. The spell itself was simple and straightforward. The problem was getting Lucifer to be still long enough for it to work. Sam could do it though. All he had to do was get juiced up on demon blood again, and he would be powerful enough to hold Lucifer long enough for the spell to take effect.

Sam didn't bat an eye before agreeing. He was so willing to do whatever it took to right what he felt was his wrong.

"And what exactly does the spell do?" Bobby asked before Dean could start ranting.

"The same thing it did the first time it was used. It will imprison Lucifer back in his cage. The world will go on as it has until it is time for the end," Castiel explained.

Sam stood up and faced Dean.

"I can do this Dean! You've got to let me," he pleaded.

Dean just shook his head wearily. "There has to be another way… The Prophecy! Cas, the prophecy says that I have to be the one to stop it, remember?"

Castiel looked at the floor.

"I was thinking about that… And it's true, Dean. I won't do the spell if you don't want me to. You are the one who ends it, by stepping back and letting us end it."

Dean paced and swore for a few more minutes before dropping tiredly into a chair.

"I hate prophecies."

&&&

The plan went so smoothly it could only be divine will. Dean and Bobby summoned Lucifer back into the convent where he had risen. Sam, stronger than ever, held him immobile and silent. Dean stood back and watched Castiel perform the spell. As he worked they were surrounded by the Host. A multitude of angels, led by Anna, gathered and watched as the first fallen angel was bound back into his prison.

When the lights dimmed and the dust settled only Bobby, Castiel, Sam, Dean and Anna remained.

Dean immediately ran over to Sam, who lay unconscious on the once more pristine stone floor of the chapel.

Dean cradled his brother in his arms, growing more fearful by the second as Sam was not breathing.

"No, please! Anna! What's wrong with Sam? Fix him," he demanded, not taking his eyes off his unnaturally still brother.

Anna walked over and gently pressed two fingers to Sam's forehead. The younger Winchester gasped and sat up panting.

Dean hugged him so hard his arms hurt.

"Dude, I- n-need to br-breathe," Sam protested.

"Sorry," Dean said, but he was grinning from ear to ear. Dean helped Sam stand up.

"Thanks, Anna," Sam said, sincerely. She nodded and turned to Dean, who thanked her as well.

Anna turned to Castiel with an eyebrow raised. "Need I even ask?"

Castiel looked at Dean with the brightest smile and shook his head.

"Hey, what happened to Zach? He's not gonna send some archangel after Cas, is he?" Dean asked her, only half joking.

Anna smiled wickedly. "Zachariah is undergoing… well, I believe you like to call it, 'bible camp'." She nodded to Bobby and then turned to leave. "Sam?" She asked over her shoulder. The younger Winchester just looked at her. "You have two days to decide. I suggest you don't waste time."

And then she was gone.

Bobby began to clean up, making sure that no clue remained as to what had happened in that place. Dean ruffled Sam's hair then walked over and swiftly kissed Castiel before going to help Bobby.

Sam raised his eyebrows at Castiel, who just shrugged, primly.

"So Cas, what was it that Anna was going to ask?" the younger Winchester wondered.

Castiel tilted his head.

"She was going to ask if I wanted my wings back. Like Anna herself, I am now who I was meant to be. Luckily, I didn't need to see God's face to figure that out. Just Dean's," Castiel said with a pleased smile.

Sam snorted and turned to leave, but Castiel stopped him. "And what did she mean when she said that you only have two days to decide?"

Sam sighed and looked away.

"She gave me the knowledge of an old spell too. You see, this will be the third time I detox from demon blood, and there is a pretty good chance I won't live through it this time," he admitted.

Castiel frowned eyes shifting to watch Dean who was happily cleaning up a chalk outline on the wall, out of earshot.

"The spell will erase what Azazel did. My blood will be completely cleansed of his, and nothing like this can happen to me again."

Castiel noticed the wary look on Sam's face.

"But there is a price?" He asked.

Sam nodded.

"Hey! C'mon you two! Let's hit the road," Dean called practically bouncing over to them and snagging Castiel around the waist. Bobby muttered something unflattering about Dean under his breath and carried a heavy black bag of supplies out to his truck.

"We just stopped the apocalypse! Beer and chicken wings are a must," he insisted pulling Castiel closer for a kiss.

Sam cleared throat and Dean looked at him over his shoulder.

"Cas's mine, Sammy. Go get your own angel," Dean taunted with a laugh.

Sam couldn't help but smile at how light-hearted his brother was. Dean hadn't laughed this much since before John had died.

Dean placed one more kiss on Castiel's cheek then dashed for the door. "Last one to the car has to pick up the tab!" He called and ran out into the sunshine.

Sam and Castiel were quiet for a moment.

"You have to tell him, Sam," Castiel said, quietly.

Sam shook his head.

"Not today, I don't."

End.

**_I'm Alive lyrics- Kenney Chesney_**

Feat - Dave Matthews

So damn easy to say that life's so hard  
Everybody's got their share of battle scars  
As for me I'd like to thank my lucky stars that  
I'm alive and well

It'd be easy to add up all the pain  
And all the dreams you've sat and watch go up in flames  
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain  
But not me... I'm alive

And today you know that's good enough for me  
Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see  
Today's the first day of the rest of my life  
And I'm alive and well  
I'm alive and well

Stars are dancin' on the water here tonight  
It's good for the soul when there's not a soul in sight  
This motor's caught its wind and brought me back to life  
Now I'm alive and well

And today you know that's good enough for me  
Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see  
Today's the first day of the rest of my life  
Now I'm alive and well  
Yeah I'm alive and well

A/N: Thanks so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. I have an idea for a sequel, but it will probably be a while before I write it. In the mean time, enjoy the new season of Supernatural! I know I will 

Take Care,

Alyce


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